"Teacher-Ables" Lunch Kits

As I prepare to send my children (and myself) back to school, I was pondering lunch possibilities that would be quick and keep them from bitching too much. I know that a good mother would lovingly make their lunches with balanced food groups and a sweet note on their napkins. As I am not vying for mother of the year, to hell with that. The options for kids are abundant. I can find a prepackaged meal for my kids with all kinds of things they like in it, but I was unable to do so for myself. Nothing "fit" me.

Teachers have special needs. It is an incredibly stressful job that includes planning, teaching, not peeing when you need to, collaborating with people you don't like, dealing with difficult students and yelling parents, committee meetings, staff meetings, department meetings, etc. Teachers do all this plus deal with John Q. Public saying they are overpaid and under-skilled babysitters who get too much time off. How can there possibly be a lunch kit line that addresses those needs? It doesn't exist.

I discussed this with D, and she assisted me in finding the perfect meals for teachers. We call them Teacher-ables.

​These delightful lunches come with your choice of beverage and a combination of snack foods to get you through an afternoon of apathetic students and quick drop-in evaluations. Each meal has Tylenol, Tums, and a mint in common. I shouldn't even have to explain why.

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Option 1: The Grader
This delightful package will help you get through the afternoon with peace and serenity. Kid drew a blobfish as an answer on his math quiz? No problem. Left half the test blank? You won't even care. Includes a motivational saying drinking vessel, your choice of red or white wine, grapes, crackers, and cheese. Yum. 

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Option 2: The Faculty Meeting
Is your meeting extra long? Are you learning everything you could have read in an email? Is your bullshit bingo board full? Well, then this is for you! Includes a motivational saying drinking vessel, mini vodka, grapefruit juice, carrots, celery, and healthy tuna salad. Lose weight while suppressing the urge to kill that one person who always asks a question at the end of the meeting.​

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Option 3: The Let's Look at Data
oh goody. data. yay. Are you wearing a clown nose because data shows students will pay more attention if you do? Do you enjoy doing school-wide math problems even though you teach art because data shows math will help students do better on some standardized test? The Let's Look at Data includes a motivational saying drinking vessel, Jager Bomb ingredients, an Old Chub sausage, and pork rinds. Plow through that data in the same state of mind as the psycho who put it together.

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Option 4: The Standardized Test
Who doesn't love a good standardized test? Well, since they don't exist, literally no one loves a good standardized test. Gear up for greatness with this simple fix. Includes tequila, lime, and salt. 'nuf said.

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Option 5: The Public Assumption
Don't you just appreciate the hell out of it when random people let you know how easy you have it as a teacher because you get weekends, holidays, and summers off? I can't figure out why teachers don't love it when someone completely disconnected to education feels qualified to let them know they are overpaid. Shake off the unsolicited opinions with this filling delight. Includes a motivational saying drinking vessel, your choice of Jack Daniels or Bacardi, a mini Coke so your drink doesn't get too diluted, Spam, mustard, honey roasted peanuts, and a mini Milky Way.

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 Option 6: The Parent Conference
Oh hell yeah. All teachers love parents. Hey, sit down and yell at me about your precious nookums who is a genius and only failing because I am not "used to" dealing with such greatness. Power into your conferences using this quick break. Includes a 12-ounce beer, summer sausage, pretzels, and cheese cubes. Down this bad mammer-jammer and go find out how close to the tree those fucking apples fell.

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Future lunch kit lines include kits for school secretaries, custodians, paraprofessionals, lunch ladies/gents, and other school personnel . . . except administrators. They make enough to eat out.